| Saying what you mean is just the beginning. Meaning what you say is the next step. When you say it, stick with it. If you don't intend to, don't say it. We train others how to handle us, by how we handle them. By lying down, we train them to walk on us. If we promise to discipline our kids but don't, we're training them to ignore our instructions. If our anger outbursts intimidate others, we're training them to be defensive around us or to avoid us. To break those negative patterns with others, begin doing these four things:
1) Figure out what they do to you that you don't like. Be as clear as possible. 'You treat me unfairly,' isn't concrete enough. 'You leave two thirds of the workload for me to do,' is observable, measurable, and suggests possible solutions
2) Figure out what you do, that invites them to do what they do to you. Complaining to them, or to the boss, is unlikely to produce positive change. Altering your contribution to the situation is what invites and motivates others to change
3) Figure out how and when to say 'no,' then act on it. Instead of doing two thirds of the workload and resenting it, when you've done your share, stop! Others won't do what they should, if you're doing it for them
4) Remember, retraining others takes persistence. Having changed your part of the old pattern, keep doing your new part until others make the desired adjustment. Mean what you say! |
